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Marital Obligations

Q:

Salaam,

Been married for 20 years, 4 kids 16-6, our intimacy has not satisfied me, it has been infrequent and mostly me sided from me. On/off She has shown interest in other men, I have also lost interest in her at various stages through our marriage. Things are getting bad, I thought of muta with other women without her knowledge in the hope that fulfillment in that aspect would help me tolerate her. I do love and care for her. We both dearly care for our kids. To make it 'fair' for us both I proposed the idea of divorce and then muta between us, she would then have the freedom to have muta relations with me and myself too (during periods when we aren't in muta together). She found some interest before we even did the divorce. I realized I could not live with her even for the sake of the kids in that state. So I gave her two options

1.divorce I move out

2. Stay married and work very hard (but honestly there's little hope) and focus on fruitful mutually satisfying relationship, if not then back to option 1. - she is insisting on divorce but live together for the sake of the kids.

What should I do. She has hurt me many times emotionally as I have her. She says the core of the problem is she puts up walls she finds difficult to bring down. I feel throughout our marriage she has only completely brought these walls down maybe a couple of dozen times only. Thus lack of intimacy. I feel without good love care and intimacy we break down, our lives breakdown and most importantly our kids lives break down. She believes we should be divorced and stay together. If we stay together she doesn't feel she can satisfy me.

I hope that we can truly love and be intimate together what should I do.

The final alternative is that I do mutas on occasion without her knowledge, if we stay married together but the intimacy doesn't return.

I know it sounds like a mess, but please help.

A:

Salaam...

from what I can figure out from your message is that both of you love each other and you love your children too....there are many things which Should be taken into consideration and then it leads to lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy is that though you love each other you miss each other emotionally.
If the problem in your marriage is due to lack of intimacy then both of you are accountable as you rightly put. She has failed you as you have her.

To be loved is a primary emotional need of every human. Everyone has a love tank in them. If it's full then the person feels loved and wants to reciprocate and give love in return.

Love has its own languages. It seems your love language is physical touch thus lack of it makes you feel unloved. Try to find out what's your wife's love language. Speak that language, once she feels loved.. her love tank fills and she will give you what you want. If you really want to make your marriage work, don't let Satan put ego in you to say why Should I start. get the ball rolling and you will buy happiness for yourself.

I recommend you and your wife to read the book called "the five love languages". I am very sure it will help you a great deal..

My duas are for you....

Tayyibah